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Apologies to you lawyers out there. Please don't sue me, this is all in good fun.
1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead
lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
5. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
9. Q: Do you know how do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1: Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2: Take your foot off his head.
A3: No? Good!
10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.
12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***?
A: The bucket.
13. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
14. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
15. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his butt.
16. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
17. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
18. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
19. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
20. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
21. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
22. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop doing you when you're dead.
23. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
24. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
25. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.
26. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down they're good.
27. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
28. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice doing people.
29. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
30. Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
31. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
32. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
33. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
34. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" ..."Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"... "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly, there are some things even a rat won't do.
36. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
37. Office Sign: Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields, Attorneys At Law
38. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
39. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
40. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
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